Russian Doomsday Cult decides to give up on the whole doomsday thing.

A group calling themselves the True Russian Orthodox Church were recently forced to leave their fortified cave, where they had hoped to await the return of White Jesus. It appears the cave was close to collapse, which the cult leader took to be a divine message that maybe staying holed up in a cave waiting for Jesus wasn't such a great idea. Other divine messages may have included the Almighty smighting their holy DVD player, and the supernatural noxiousness of brother Igor's farts. I really wish cults would stop putting a definite date on the apocalypse. It's preposterous enough that you think Jesus, or Elvis, or space aliens races with names suspiciously derived from Star Trek are coming for you and your brethren. Just tell us the apocalypse is coming at an indeterminate time, and society at large will leave you alone.  We may even abstain from firebombing your compound.

Some reporter from the IndyStar apparently doesn't check their article titles for racial undertones.

"Harangody, White join All-American 2nd team"

If I read that title quickly without any regard to context, which I often do with news, I would think that the event of a white person making an All-American basketball team would be newsworthy, for his incredible pastiness and perceived lack of athleticism. "White" actually refers to D.J. White, a senior forward for Indiana. ( Who is actually black.) Indystar, it would behoove you to edit your article titles carefully to protect newspaper's image from being defamed by people like me, racists who don't read things carefully. I assure you there are many of us in this country.

Pimp's down, Hoes down, Governor of New York down.

 What did they say in "Annie", a  well-to-do politician without  high-priced call girls is like a night with no stars? or something like that. Seriously, look at the guy. He's Elliot Spitzer, from the prominent Spitzer family. If you don't know who they are, it's because you are a bunch of  simple, plebian, proletariats. The Spitzer family uses people like you for bookends, writing surfaces, and all other sorts of inanimate objects. We shouldn't blame him for a few calls to the "Emperor's Club" hoe-salers. We didn't live in the same world as Elliot Spitzer. This guy got a bike for his sixth birthday, and a high priced whore for his seventh. Can't we cut the guy a little slack? Now, before all of my Republican friends go all crazy on me, (I believe I have a couple of them), for jumping all over Republican sex-scandalists Larry Craig and and Rep. Foley, let me say that guys were both attempting to do guys up the butt. (One of the guys being sixteen). I love gays and all, but I'm just not down with butt-sex.

Prodigy from Mobb Deep thinks we actually believe he is gangster.

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Starbucks's brass create position of "Head of Global Development" who if successful will bankrupt the company.

Starbucks is cheap because they rob people, not help them "develop". Fair Trade schmair trade. I want 6.99 a lb. South American coffee and if I can't get it Starbuck's I will go elsewhere. Here I am, thinking that the objective of these business types is to improve profit margins, not eliminate them. How are they supposed to do that when every regular Joe(sé) is not getting exploited by Starbucks? This is all a ploy to convince us that you have a soul, right? Anyhow, I want some of what they're drinking, especially if there's crack in it.

Kelvin Sampson thinks phone records disappear into a magical land full of benevolent fairies and elves.

Kelvin I don't know if you knew this, but ever since the phone was invented, phone companies have kept records of who people call. After leaving Oklahoma over making illegal extra recruiting calls to basketball recruits Kelvin and his trusty team of assistants have been caught doing the exact same thing at Indiana. Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, we citizens can see all kinds of phone records from public figures. Hell, the phone company can see them, the university can see them, pretty much anyone that asks nicely. For this egregious act of stupidity, I sentence Kelvin to one secretly videotaped crack-filled tryst with a prostitute in the D.C.-area hotel of his choosing, in honor of my hero Marion Barry.

Wildlife Policy people think its a good idea to save the wolves, neglecting the fact that they eat people.

Apparently the gray wolf is no longer endangered in the Rockies. This is good news for gray wolves and thir protectors but bad news for edible, sentient beings. Before you environmentalist types go all crazy on me about carrying capacity and ecosystem balance, I would like to point to out to you that a lot of people get eaten by wolves. I don't have an exact number, because when i googled "Gray wolf-induced fatalities" alls it came up with was some shitty indie rock band from Portland. I know gray wolves keep certain pest populations intact, such as the dreadlocked white trustafarian-backpacker, but I'm pretty sure they eat decent, hardworking Americans all the time. So to whatever misguided wildlife conservation NGO bitched and moaned this "protected" or "endangered" status into existence I sentence you to fifteen lashings with a stolen VCR, or two joyless alleyway handjobs.

Devean George thinks someone will pay him for being mediocre.

This is Devean George, presumably celebrating something cool that one of his teammate did. He blocked a 7-player trade because his "Bird Rights" would then be invalidated, negating his chance to sign a lucrative contract next year. It seems Devean thought someone would give him a bigger contract than the league minimum. That's sad, coming from a guy who once led the NBA in number of compliments for Kobe.

Brad Wilkes thought we didn't know he was bribing people.

Brad Wilkes is a defense contractor, who apparently bribed the shit out of Rep. Randy Cunningham. This includes; paying his mortgage, buying him a speedboat and a Rolls Royce, and picking up the tab on a prostitute-laden Hawaii trip the two took. He's about to serve time for these minor and inconspicuous transgressions. For Christ's sake, if you're gonna bribe someone at least be discreet about it. The only thing Randy Cunningham's house was missing was the tiger from Scarface's backyard. Brad Wilkes might not be on crack, let's be fair. I think the whole "prostitutes and Hawaii" thing sounds more like the work of crack's affluent, overachieving cousin cocaine. Regardless, Brad Wilkes deserves twenty lashings with a steaming hot glass pipe, or twelve years in prison. (which he got.)