Kelvin Sampson thinks phone records disappear into a magical land full of benevolent fairies and elves.

Kelvin I don't know if you knew this, but ever since the phone was invented, phone companies have kept records of who people call. After leaving Oklahoma over making illegal extra recruiting calls to basketball recruits Kelvin and his trusty team of assistants have been caught doing the exact same thing at Indiana. Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, we citizens can see all kinds of phone records from public figures. Hell, the phone company can see them, the university can see them, pretty much anyone that asks nicely. For this egregious act of stupidity, I sentence Kelvin to one secretly videotaped crack-filled tryst with a prostitute in the D.C.-area hotel of his choosing, in honor of my hero Marion Barry.