Prodigy from Mobb Deep thinks we actually believe he is gangster.

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Starbucks's brass create position of "Head of Global Development" who if successful will bankrupt the company.

Starbucks is cheap because they rob people, not help them "develop". Fair Trade schmair trade. I want 6.99 a lb. South American coffee and if I can't get it Starbuck's I will go elsewhere. Here I am, thinking that the objective of these business types is to improve profit margins, not eliminate them. How are they supposed to do that when every regular Joe(sé) is not getting exploited by Starbucks? This is all a ploy to convince us that you have a soul, right? Anyhow, I want some of what they're drinking, especially if there's crack in it.

Kelvin Sampson thinks phone records disappear into a magical land full of benevolent fairies and elves.

Kelvin I don't know if you knew this, but ever since the phone was invented, phone companies have kept records of who people call. After leaving Oklahoma over making illegal extra recruiting calls to basketball recruits Kelvin and his trusty team of assistants have been caught doing the exact same thing at Indiana. Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, we citizens can see all kinds of phone records from public figures. Hell, the phone company can see them, the university can see them, pretty much anyone that asks nicely. For this egregious act of stupidity, I sentence Kelvin to one secretly videotaped crack-filled tryst with a prostitute in the D.C.-area hotel of his choosing, in honor of my hero Marion Barry.

Wildlife Policy people think its a good idea to save the wolves, neglecting the fact that they eat people.

Apparently the gray wolf is no longer endangered in the Rockies. This is good news for gray wolves and thir protectors but bad news for edible, sentient beings. Before you environmentalist types go all crazy on me about carrying capacity and ecosystem balance, I would like to point to out to you that a lot of people get eaten by wolves. I don't have an exact number, because when i googled "Gray wolf-induced fatalities" alls it came up with was some shitty indie rock band from Portland. I know gray wolves keep certain pest populations intact, such as the dreadlocked white trustafarian-backpacker, but I'm pretty sure they eat decent, hardworking Americans all the time. So to whatever misguided wildlife conservation NGO bitched and moaned this "protected" or "endangered" status into existence I sentence you to fifteen lashings with a stolen VCR, or two joyless alleyway handjobs.

Devean George thinks someone will pay him for being mediocre.

This is Devean George, presumably celebrating something cool that one of his teammate did. He blocked a 7-player trade because his "Bird Rights" would then be invalidated, negating his chance to sign a lucrative contract next year. It seems Devean thought someone would give him a bigger contract than the league minimum. That's sad, coming from a guy who once led the NBA in number of compliments for Kobe.

Brad Wilkes thought we didn't know he was bribing people.

Brad Wilkes is a defense contractor, who apparently bribed the shit out of Rep. Randy Cunningham. This includes; paying his mortgage, buying him a speedboat and a Rolls Royce, and picking up the tab on a prostitute-laden Hawaii trip the two took. He's about to serve time for these minor and inconspicuous transgressions. For Christ's sake, if you're gonna bribe someone at least be discreet about it. The only thing Randy Cunningham's house was missing was the tiger from Scarface's backyard. Brad Wilkes might not be on crack, let's be fair. I think the whole "prostitutes and Hawaii" thing sounds more like the work of crack's affluent, overachieving cousin cocaine. Regardless, Brad Wilkes deserves twenty lashings with a steaming hot glass pipe, or twelve years in prison. (which he got.)